Just an update...

Well, I'm not exactly sure what to write about today.... I feel really depressed lately and its just hard for me to accept things that I need to figure out. Like the reason I'm so upset. Why am I upset? I dont even know myself. I guess I'm a little upset because I know that I cant expect anything from my dad, and my birthday is this sunday... I just dont understand why I cant get over the fact my dad will probably never be a dad. Another reason is that many of my friends parents dislike me. My friends parents think I'm weird, I'm dumb, I'm a druggy, I'm a lesbian, I'm a drinker, and just an over all bad influenc, and I'm not. Just because I'm different, my friends cant come over, my friends cant hang out with me, I can have sleep overs. I can basically only spend time with my friends at school, and most of the time its only for 10 minutes everyday. Another reason is my trust. I just dont understand why I dont trust some of the most important people in my life. I guess its because some of the most important people (or people who should be the most important people) constantly let me down, so I never have any idea if I can trust. I trust my mom, and I trust my brother, but it's hard to trust beyond that. I wish I could trust my boyfriend, he is my whole world, my everything, but no matter how hard I try, I cant trust him. I'm constantly thinking "oh, he would be better off with so-and-so" or "since he's better off with so-and-so, then he must be cheating on me with them..." that kinda ties into that one girl who told me he was a cheater like 3 times. I dont want to believe her because shes done this before to others and been wrong, but she was my best friend at the time. It's odd though that I would even consider her words though because I've known Legend for way longer then I had known her and I know for a fact how much he hates cheaters. It's just... hard to see. Lots of girls like him, but I dont think he sees, or he sees and chooses to ignore. It just makes me feel skeptical and paranoid, which is dumb. Maybe I'm crazy.... Last night I had a really great dream, it was very perfect and peaceful and it made me so happy, and I wish I had never woken up (but not like I wanted to die) I had broken up with Legend, and over several months I kept getting heavier and heavier... I didn't understand why, and after several months of getting larger, I had a pain in my stomach and had to go to the hospital... When I arrived there, they told me I was in labor and needed to push, and I did, it hurt, but out came two babies. Two baby girls. It was terrible, and wonderful because they looked like a perfect mix of Legend and I, but it was horrible because I had decided from the mom they told me I was pregnant, that I wasnt going to tell Legend. So for the rest of the dream, I raised the two,beautiful baby girls, that was Legend and I......... well thats enough of that weird depressing stuff... soo I'll update again, whenever.